Hello Internets, it's been a while

Hello Internet, it’s been a while

I’ve not written a blog in quite some time. Over 6 months in fact. I’ve been very busy. I’m in school, I finished an internship, wrote a game/book and am currently working on my second piece of Infinem (that’s my game).

As you can guess this has all been very stressful and time consuming. I’ve been going through lots of emotional ups and downs (especially while working on Infinem) and life has in general been kicking my ass. Kicking my ass in the sense that I don’t deal well with stress because of my PTSD. It’s been a very trying time, but it’s made me grow closer to my wife and kids, which I’m very happy about.

I was scheduled to graduate in the Spring of 2014 (at the age of 33), but because life kind of got in the way, I have NO idea when I’ll be graduating. It could be as late as the Spring of 2015 or the Fall of 2015. This is considerably later than I had anticipated and will probably cause me to have to take out student loans as my V.A. funding for school will run out around the spring of 2014. This is a problem in that funding for Graduate school (yeah I want to do that) will become a problem. So now Graduate school is up in the air. I think I’m OK with this.

I’m having more fun than ever with my wife and kids and writing my game. My publisher at Day Dreamer Interactive seems to think the game will do well, but as always I have my doubts. Not in my ability to bring to life interesting ideas and places, but in the reception of my ideas. As with most artists (yes I consider myself an artist) who are very intimate with their work I’m very touchy with others perceptions of my stuff. I generally attempt to not show it (there was a case when I did and I felt like a douche for yelling at a friend). I of course have high hopes that Infinem will be well received and that its story will be interesting enough to garner a fan base. I don’t plan or hope to make any/much money from this venture honestly, but rather; share with others my world in which I’ve lived in for so long.

Infinem is the world of my dreams. It’s been my dream world for as long as I can remember. Some of my earliest dreams and memories come from this world. monster squid men and minotaur’s enslaving the human race, destroying our civilization and Hero’s resisting.

So what’s next? Lots of reading and writing and trying not to worry about the future of course. I’ll see you later kids. No idea if I’ll keep writing this thing or not.

~Nick

It's not so bad

            Sometimes I wonder if people, specifically those in the west, or Americans realize how wonderful their lives are. I know it’s a random thought to have being an American, but I still can’t help but wonder. I’ve been to some pretty scary places in the world while preforming in a military capacity. Places where people with guns wanted to kill us because we didn’t think like they did or places where you couldn’t turn a nob and get clean drinking water.

            Do you know how amazing it is to be able to reliably turn a nob and get clean drinking water, consistently is? It’s pretty fucking amazing. We take it for granted though, all of us. I mean, when was the last time you went “man, I’m so glad for this water?” well you probably didn’t. I’m guilty of it too. I was just bitching because my iPhone auto corrected a word I didn’t want corrected. Yes, I complained about the magic talking box trying to read my mind. First world problems much?

            We take these sorts of things for granted daily and it’s natural because most of us haven’t known any thing different or if we have known different it’s been a while since we have and have forgotten. It’s ok, but now you’ve been made aware. I want you to think about this for a minute. Lets play a game, shall we?

            You’re thirsty and want a drink. Stop; don’t go to your faucet or fridge. Go get a bucket or jug, then walk a few blocks to a stranger’s house, now fill up your bucket with water and walk home. Now pour that into a drinking device or drink strait from your jug/bucket. You’ll appreciate that water a lot more. Here’s another idea. It’s time to go to the bathroom. Go outside, dig a little hole and hang your ass over it or better yet, get a squash or pumpkin and cut the top off and go to the bathroom in that. Yeah, sounds like fun right? Well maybe you’re lucky and have a pipe in your house that goes into a pit like a septic tank, minus you know the water, smells glorious doesn’t it?

            Sure these are some of the worse conditions I’ve seen or been in, but it’s still putting us in the scope of how great we really have it. We take a lot of things for granted with out giving it a second though. So the next time you’re talking on your magic box, and it tries to read your mind and does it wrong, just stop and think. It’s a magic talking box after all and hasn’t been perfected AND at least I’m not shitting in a hole in the ground or walking to get my water TO LIVE.

What is a reasonable thought?

In one of my History courses we are examining reason. What is reason? Reason according to the New Oxford American Dictionary:  the power of the mind to think, understand, and form judgments by a process of logic : there is a close connection between reason and emotion. This is what we could consider in our world today to be reason. It's the ability to justify why we should be able to do the things that we do. It's one of the reasons we are free.
     I was tasked with convincing a Russian peasant to reject being a peasant and accept Reason and Freedom. I failed in my task. Why? Because I question what we would call reasonable thoughts. Is it so different than the past? I give you the quote "A peasants life is eat to work, work to eat, breed and die" by Boris Pilnak. I would argue that we continue to do this today. Maybe in a different sense, but ultimately we still do this mixed in with the fact that we chase after baubles now too. How is it reasonable to pay someone $700 for an iPhone? Or to pay $50 for a meal? Or to pay $100 or more for a purse. Or to play a video game?
     We do all sorts of what I would consider, unreasonable things, which is why I failed to convince my fake Russian peasant why it is good to be free/ a citizen (in the sense that we think of free).

I give to you my paper. Enjoy.

I set off in my time machine to the year 1874 in order to convince my new friend Ivan Pankov that being a citizen and free is what’s best for him. It will be difficult because Ivan is uneducated and what we would consider to be unable to reason in the philosophical sense (as discussed in class). Ivan Pankov is similar to our friend Khor who is a some what well to do peasant for an simple Lord.  Ivan does not usually see his master as he mainly deals with a Bailiff who was hired by the lord to take care of these daily routines while the Lord is off doing Lordly things. I arrive in his barn, clothed and ready to go with my babble fish already in place so that Ivan and I can understand each other.

Nick: Ivan, how are you?

Ivan: I’m good; it is a pleasure to see you again.

Nick: Ivan, have you though anymore of buying your freedom?

Ivan: I have your Honor, and I’m still not sure why I would do such an outlandish thing. I have everything I need here. My Lord does not interfere with my daily life like he does so many others, he does not require me to go off and work other areas. He only requires that I give him what I owe in taxes. Why would I change this? I know what I can grow and I know what I will owe, every year is like this. You see? I have a simple life and I mean to keep it that way. Your world of baubles and freedom also has uncertainty and chaos with them.  If I were to become free, what would happen if my crop were to fail? What Lord would take pity on me? The almighty, maybe? Would I not lose favor with him if I bought my freedom? Does the bible not command all of us to submit to our masters?

Nick: You have very valid points Ivan. I see you have thought this through. I have some questions I would ask you first before I relent, if you would allow me?

Ivan: Of course, I enjoy our talks. Ask away your honor.

From my bag I remove a picture. It is of a typical 1950’s family sitting at a table. Everyone is clean, the food is bountiful and everyone at the table seems to be happy.

Nick: Look at this painting Ivan. What do you see?

Ivan: I see a small family, sitting at a table in a strange looking room. What is this? I do not understand.

Nick: These are commoners in another place. They are not from your village. They are free, you see. They have bought their freedom from their lords. They are not Lords. Do you understand? This could be you if you wanted it. It could be so.

Ivan: What is wrong with my dinner table now? You have dined with me and mine several times. We may not have feasts every meal, but we get by. None of mine are thin as many of the others. I have been blessed with much.

Nick: I agree, but if you were free you could have excess. With excess come many things.

Ivan: More baubles that I have no place wanting. These are things for Lords and Tsar’s. I am but a simple farmer. I eat to work and work to eat. This is my lot in life.

Nick: But that’s what I am saying Ivan. You could change your “lot in life”. You could have more. Does God not want what is best for all of his children? Does he not love his children?

Ivan: Where? Where is this spoken? I cannot read! Where does God say this? You show me and I will believe you.

He has me there. I do not have a bible nor do I know any passages in which to quote. Even though Ivan is illiterate and knows very little of the actual religion he practices he has out witted me with my own example. I will press on.

Nick: Ivan, may I show you something else?

Ivan: Please do! I like seeing your fanciful dreams.

I dig into my bag once again. I pull out a simple pocket watch. Time is the thing that we all bend to in the present day world. It is something that rules over our lives like a Lord.

Ivan: What is this?

Nick: It is a pocket watch. It tells me what time it is so that I may be where I am supposed to be. It is a tool of my village. You could have this, if you were free Ivan.

Ivan: But what would I do with a bauble such as this? What do I need time for?  The cockcrow wakes me up, the sun tells me when to eat. I have no need for these things. I am but a simple man.

Nick: Yes, I understand that, but this is a symbol of order. It guides us in our day-to-day lives. Do you understand?

Ivan: As I have said your honor, the cockcrow wakes me, and the sun tells me when to eat. The time in between these two is taken up with daily tasks. What would I need to keep time with if I already keep time?

Nick: You’ve confounded me Ivan. I’ve failed to show you why it is better to be free. I’ve failed to convey the feeling of being able to walk to a place far away if I indeed feel like it.

Ivan: Baubles your honor, these are all things that are beyond me and what I want in life. My life is a simple one that I enjoy. I would say that itself is freedom. I am happy. Will you be staying for supper?

Nick: No, I have a story to tell.

Ivan: Perhaps you will share it with me next time?

Nick: I fear you already know it.

Ivan: Ah, but I enjoy your stories any way. Until next time your honor.

I leave in a hurry back to the present in order to write my findings. I’m confounded that I was unable to convince Ivan why it is good to be free. I cannot help but wonder, is he any less free than we are? Are we not constricted by social contracts and other constraints such as fiscal constraints and taboo?